Modesty #2

Community or Control?

A popular IG influencer, @miriam.ezagui, is an Orthodox Jew who regularly shares “what her life is like” on social media. She dresses very modestly, even beyond IFB standards, covers her hair, and does not touch her husband when she is menstruating.

It’s fascinating to watch Miriam’s feed; she has a sweet, inclusive spirit. However, some things I don’t understand at all. For example, only her husband, children, and personal care workers see her with her natural hair. Otherwise, her hair is covered. Often, it’s covered with a wig of very natural-looking, stylish authentic hair. Anyone on the street would probably never realize that it was not her own hair. I have to admit that I don’t understand that.

But, who cares? Certainly not Miriam. She often goes out of her way to explain that she has made these decisions for her body and her lifestyle, realizing that it’s not for everyone and does not cast judgment on women who dress differently than she does.

In IFB churches, discussions of modesty will sometimes point to women like Miriam, with statements like, “other religions demand that their women dress modestly, so should we.”

I spent the past week vacationing in northern Michigan with my husband, sons, and daughters-in-law. We visited a popular destination, Mackinac Island, where I saw Indian women wearing saris, Islamic women wearing hijabs, Amish women with homemade dresses and white caps, and Mennonite women with very small black caps. I saw Pentecostal women with long skirts and long hair, as well as IFB women with long skirts, fluffy hair, and plenty of makeup.

I saw a lovely 70-year-old woman walk through a fancy hotel lobby wearing an embroidered wrap, enter the pool area, remove the wrap, and enter the hot tub wearing a black two-piece swimsuit. After 30 minutes, she gracefully exited the pool, wrapped herself again, and headed back to her room.

A woman who works for my business as a seamstress is a refugee from Afghanistan. When she comes to pick up and drop off her work each week, she is wearing a full hijab. However, it’s not uncommon for her to sit down, rearrange her clothing to access a breast, and nurse her baby in full view of the rest of the employees.

Each of these examples is of a woman who believes she is practicing modesty. Yet, each one interpreted modesty differently. Some, like the Amish and Mennonite women, wear their clothing to identify with a particular group. Others, like the older woman in her embroidered wrap, view modesty as appropriateness and gracefulness.

Back to Miriam. The way she dresses her body, covers her hair, and lives her life is more extreme than most. More extreme even than the IFB. Yet, she does not expect anyone who is not an Orthodox Jew to do the same. She does not tell the rest of the world to do what she does to be right with God.

I remember being in the car with one of my IFB family members who was telling me about a woman who did her hair. Referring to the woman, she said, “She says she is a Christian, but she wears pants, so I don’t know.”

Another memory of when I was six years old; my Grandma bought me the cutest pants and sweater set. I began to cry because I just knew from what I heard at church and school that I should never wear pants to be a good Christian girl. I remember my Mom taking me aside and listing all the women I loved who wore pants, “Aunt Vonnie, Grandma Lemmen, Miss Petrolje…”. This was the first of many times that Mom had this chat with me. “When we are at church or school, we will follow the rules, but at home and with family and friends, we will wear what is appropriate, and sometimes that may be something not allowed at school.”

I believe that rules for modesty in a church have nothing to do with how much skin is or is not showing. The rules are about misogyny and control. One big tell - women don’t make the rules - men do. And women are then told that if they don’t follow the rules and men lust after them, it is their fault. I’m sorry, but that is the biggest lie ever. If men lust, it’s their problem. Say it again for those in the back - if men lust after a woman, it’s their problem!!!

Modesty for a woman is her own decision. She owns her own body and chooses to submit her body to Christ if she is a believer. Jesus Christ has never set arbitrary rules for all women at all times. I think my mom got this one right – modesty is appropriateness. Our IFB churches preach grace and freedom in Christ but never give that freedom to their members, choosing rather to control them with man-made rules and threats of causing others to sin.

In summary, rules about how women dress fall into two categories:

1. Identification as part of a community

2. Control by an authority

Since the “I” in IFB refers to “independent,” I’m quite sure I know where the IFB rules of modesty come from. What do you think?